The Dog Ate My Paper

Last week I lost an important piece of paper.

I thought about blaming it on the dog since dogs have been put on this earth precisely to take blame for any number of things humans don't want to ‘fess up to. Things like unfinished homework, missing M&Ms, mysterious odors and such.

Dogs make this blame game simple. Most dogs are so loyal they’ll gladly accept responsibility for anything so long as there’s a biscuit or a pat on the head at the other end. They like rewards so much, I swear they smile in anticipation. In fact, they smile even when they know they’re about to be punished. I believe I once saw our dog smile just before she stretched out to sniff a guest's crotch. Happy dog – bad dog.

We have a New Dog. We took him in shortly after our Old Dog died and was processed into road gravel. You see; my wife has a recurring nightmare of her deceased pet lying atop a smoldering pile of other people's deceased pets, so she figures a complete cremation is best. When I bury the decorative canister in the back yard, we’ll know exactly where to find Old Dog if my wife has one of her pet nightmares. I only wonder whose road gravel is really in the tin.

Back to New Dog, who really isn't all that new. Just old enough to have peed on someone else's carpet until he learned that it's less painful to do that business outdoors. The real trick for New Dog now is learning when to eat or drink in order to match up bathroom breaks with the schedule at our home. To avoid a painful mistake.

It's difficult for me to imagine why New Dog looks so happy and nonchalant when, minute by minute, he's adjusting to unfamiliar human rituals. First, getting acquainted with two evil cats that already lived at the house. Then wondering if he had his testicles removed as punishment for eating half a bag of M&Ms he found on the floor. After all, the bag of candy was on the floor because the cats dragged it off the desk. New Dog watched the cats do it and apparently figured it was a peace offering.

New Dog also seems to understand that my loafers are off limits and probably don't taste as good as they look. Evidently, it's not worth a sore ass to find out for certain. He hasn’t so much as sniffed at them. On the other hand, he had no problem ratcheting up the courage to sample my wife’s expensive wooden knitting needles and my daughter’s eyeglasses. He received a strong tongue lashing for both.

I guess with New Dog, it may be about risk and reward. Considering New Dog’s attitude, I guess I’ll blame him for the important paper I lost last week after all. He probably won’t mind.