Nearly There....

Constipation affects almost everyone at one time or another.
Many people think they're constipated when really they aren't.

I'm Almost........Back

Ptui.

Almost back from my third time under. Beginning to surface...

Watch Your Back

World famous Afghany proctologist and adventurer Assia Bakass is planning to embark on a two year research project to document how kebobs process through the human digestive tract.

Assia recently completed development of a personal anal probe (pictured at left) to aid his research.

Assia is currently interviewing potential study volunteers.

The Dog Ate My Paper

Last week I lost an important piece of paper.

I thought about blaming it on the dog since dogs have been put on this earth precisely to take blame for any number of things humans don't want to ‘fess up to. Things like unfinished homework, missing M&Ms, mysterious odors and such.

Dogs make this blame game simple. Most dogs are so loyal they’ll gladly accept responsibility for anything so long as there’s a biscuit or a pat on the head at the other end. They like rewards so much, I swear they smile in anticipation. In fact, they smile even when they know they’re about to be punished. I believe I once saw our dog smile just before she stretched out to sniff a guest's crotch. Happy dog – bad dog.

We have a New Dog. We took him in shortly after our Old Dog died and was processed into road gravel. You see; my wife has a recurring nightmare of her deceased pet lying atop a smoldering pile of other people's deceased pets, so she figures a complete cremation is best. When I bury the decorative canister in the back yard, we’ll know exactly where to find Old Dog if my wife has one of her pet nightmares. I only wonder whose road gravel is really in the tin.

Back to New Dog, who really isn't all that new. Just old enough to have peed on someone else's carpet until he learned that it's less painful to do that business outdoors. The real trick for New Dog now is learning when to eat or drink in order to match up bathroom breaks with the schedule at our home. To avoid a painful mistake.

It's difficult for me to imagine why New Dog looks so happy and nonchalant when, minute by minute, he's adjusting to unfamiliar human rituals. First, getting acquainted with two evil cats that already lived at the house. Then wondering if he had his testicles removed as punishment for eating half a bag of M&Ms he found on the floor. After all, the bag of candy was on the floor because the cats dragged it off the desk. New Dog watched the cats do it and apparently figured it was a peace offering.

New Dog also seems to understand that my loafers are off limits and probably don't taste as good as they look. Evidently, it's not worth a sore ass to find out for certain. He hasn’t so much as sniffed at them. On the other hand, he had no problem ratcheting up the courage to sample my wife’s expensive wooden knitting needles and my daughter’s eyeglasses. He received a strong tongue lashing for both.

I guess with New Dog, it may be about risk and reward. Considering New Dog’s attitude, I guess I’ll blame him for the important paper I lost last week after all. He probably won’t mind.

I Want One of These

Seems like a lot of work just to catch poo. The PS geniuses at Worth are at it again.

Amazing Technology

My friend Stan invented this nifty device to determine how many actual dog chomps it takes to draw blood through a mailman's britches. Even used his own dog.(I know from the name on the tag)

Plumber Thong

When Peeps Go Bad

Spring Training

Westminster Blues

In a radical move to boost sagging ratings, Westminster Kennel Club will add Malamute Ballet to next year's televised competition.

What To Get The Girl Who Has Everything

Dog Fark

Hmm...

..which head should I wear today?

As Baby Boomers Age...

..they'll redefine "blue hairs".

Origami Hunt

I Knew It!

Now, Be Honest

Who remembers this?








THEME SONG
The biggest show in town is Huckleberry Hound
For all you guys and gals.
The biggest clown in town is Huckleberry Hound
With all his cartoon pals.

It's Huckleberry fun, it's for everyone,
So come on, gather 'round.
Get yourself all set,
Turn on your TV set
For Huckleberry Hound

That oh, so merry, Chuckleberry,
Huckleberry Hound.



OR THIS? (click pic)

Madonna and Child Redux

Got Milk?

Gene Pool Pollution

No one in the family talks much about Uncle Fred anymore.

How Was Your Day?

Avant-Guard

Dog Lust

Batter Up

Airhead

Truth in Advertising

Welcome to the Coke Side of Life

Ever wonder what the bears do when they're not making commercials?

Winter Doldrums

It’s Wednesday, so I have a perfunctory rant/rave. Sort of.

Wednesday is as good a day of the week as any to rant and/or rave. It’s now the mid-winter high point, which in western NY, late January, means cabin fever has firmly taken hold and there remain only 45 days of claustrophobic cloud cover before March snowstorms commence. If that doesn’t slip one into a ranting/hysterical raving mood on a late January Wednesday, nothing will.

I generally reserve rants for squirrels, feral cats or neighborhood busybodies. The serious subjects of life, to be sure, but not necessarily on everyone’s radar. Most ranters/ravers tend to get preoccupied with subtler life issues; work, family, macramé and IRAs. What is the purpose of ranting over such arcane issues, I ask you? In the scheme of things, the latter will haunt us our entire lives. The former, on the other hand, offer a quick guerrilla hit and retreat rant opportunity. I’m after instant gratification.

Take squirrels, for example. I hate squirrels, which in retrospect, could have something to do with the fact that I have six black walnut trees in my yard. And a handy detached carriage house, suitable for these nut-thieving rodents to store their fall booty.

Every spring I shovel piles of discarded walnut shells from the inside corners of my beloved carriage house, all the while bristling at the audacity of squirrels I imagine sitting around with a smile on their mug as they enjoy walnut fruit at my expense, under cover of my carriage house roof.

And, every summer, I examine the structure in minutiae for potential points of entry the interlopers have used; a hole large enough not only for the squirrel, but also to permit a sack of whole walnuts to slip through.

I have yet to find such a hole, which leads me to one of two conclusions. Either the squirrels have perfected a means of spiriting themselves and their nuts through walls or one of them has a key.

This past summer I committed to all-out warfare.

I made an important discovery during the off-season: dried, concentrated, organic fox pee. The disproportionate heft of the small container I ordered over the internet suggested its ultimate level of concentration. I imagined something nuclear, with a half-life of a several millennia but, no, the label stated that the ingredient inside was simply concentrated fox pee, suitable to scare any varmint that might have reason to be concerned that there is a fox about. That would include squirrels, of course.

The label also suggested that other urines, namely bobcat and coyote are available and should be employed if the problem happened to be an invasion of domestic cats, armadillos or javalinas. Not this year.

The label conveniently pointed out advantage of powdered urine over traditional liquid.

-Powdered urine is less messy than liquid urine

-Powdered urine won’t evaporate or freeze

-Urine granules are naturally moist for better “clinging”

Oh, and this important safety tip: This Product is NOT For Human Consumption. Interesting. I made a mental note.

All that remained was to sprinkle the pee pellets on paper plates and place strategically around the inside of squirrel central.

So far this winter I haven’t seen hide or hair of trespassing squirrels nor are there any discarded walnut shells. Heh, heh. Varmints in the crosshairs.


I did, however, find this unusual calendar hanging on the wall.

Emma the Cat

Daughter eldest has a new friend.

Mysterious grey and inquisitive; dangerously so.

Cruel Hats

What happens when you swallow your pride?

Inventors Gone Wild

Pup tent for poopers.

Crystal Cats

Phun with PS.

Overheard in Starbuck's French Roast Aisle

He: "Ah, madam, your eye is so like your uzzer eye, your legs are joost like zee fine sculptour, your breasts, ah mon amour, your breasts are firm like ballons de eau. I shall make sauvage love to you until you can take it no longer, oui?"

She: "Stick a sock in it, Froggy, and take your grimey hands off my French Roast."

He: "Your mother, she was a hamster and you father smelt of berrie de elders." Sniff.

She: "Yeah? Well, smell this."

He: "Holy merde!"

Yep

This was the guy in front of me at the bank drive-thru this morning. He stuffed what looked like 10 transactions into the tube and we waited...